The Social Lunch.

Someone calling herself a ‘Social Worker’ visited today. I’m not sociable and don’t like work so it was clear from the outset we weren’t going to get on. She claimed she wanted to check on little Caligula and was empowered by law to enter. I’ve met one who claimed that once before. He was a bit stringy but this one looked plumper.

I let her in, closed and locked the door. Sometimes they try to make a break for it and their screams set the Ferals off. I have researched the matter and it is true that they have hundreds of laws saying I have to let them in. They don’t have a single one that says I have to let them out.

“Why have you locked the door?” She folded her arms and looked prim and proper at me.

“Ferals,” I said. “They steal food, you know.”

“Hmph” she said, although I am not sure that the noise she made could be considered conversation. “Where is your wife?”

“Recovering. She fed Caligula earler and it takes quite a toll on her.” I guided the bun-haired harpy along the corridor.

“Breast feeding, is she?”

I laughed aloud. “Of course not. She’s not stupid.” The idea of putting anything made of meat into Caligula’s mouth and expecting to get it back had me chuckling all the way to his room.

She tried the door. “It’s locked. That is child abuse. If there is anything wrong with this child, I will report it and you’ll lose him forever.” The look of malicious glee on her face endeared her to me briefly, but I’m already married and I’m not going to do that again. It’s just too much of a chore.

“Wrong with him? Well, be my guest.” I checked through the peephole before opening the door. Caligula is pretty fast these days. He was in the corner of the room, playing with a mouse. They taste better when they are properly scared.

I opened the door, let her in and shut it quickly. There was a brief interlude of ‘Hello little boy, I’m here to help you’, then a short period of screaming.

When Caligula is full, he’ll fall asleep. Then I’ll clean his room and put the rest in the fridge.

With any luck, someone will come looking for her soon.

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